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Afraid of commitment


I’m a guy of 21. There’s a girl I really like, but I’m afraid of committing myself to her. I guess I’m not the only one like this! My mum is a control freak, so I’m a bit afraid that she’ll end up like that too, even though she’s pretty cool.



Svar 3/1/2021

Hi,

Thanks for your question. It’s a bit complicated, and we have to assume some things from what you write, without seeing the whole picture.

It is quite normal for people to be afraid of commitment, and it’s true that there are lots of people who think commitment is difficult. Relationships without commitment can often bring hurt and pain because they create uncertainty and insecurity, and usually the other person’s expectations aren’t met. So it could be useful for you to think about what exactly you are afraid of committing yourself to, and also why you are afraid of the commitment.

From what you write, we don’t know if the girl you mention is already your girlfriend, a friend or just an acquaintance. If we assume that you are not dating, then you have to remember that committing yourself to a girlfriend isn’t the same as committing yourself to someone by getting engaged or married. The essence of a romantic relationship has to be that you want to be with the other person, and not others. However, you don’t need to decide if you will be with the other person for the rest of your life. Having said that, it’s still important to go into the relationship with the intention that it will last, and end up with you getting married. If you just think that you will ‘try and see’, then that attitude can give false expectations and hurt the other person.

You write that your mum is a control freak, and that you are afraid that this girl might also be. We can never know everything about another person, we can’t know how they will turn out or how they will react in a given situation. But you can get to know more about her by getting to know her better, preferably in different contexts and situations, together with friends and alone. If you do start to date, and she starts to show signs of jealousy or control (even though there isn’t any sign of that now), this is often a sign of insecurity in the relationship or of hurtful experiences in the past. You might also develop tendencies like this without seeing it yourself. This is why it’s important to talk about things. Talk about what you feel, without accusing each other. Look for ways to strengthen your relationship and help each other become better people.

It’s important to show respect and consideration in all interpersonal relationships. If you overcome your fear of commitment, and if the girl you like will commit herself to you, we hope you will both experience the joy there is in having a faithful, trusting friend, partner and eventually a spouse.

 

Best wishes