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Dating my friend
Hi, I’ve got a great friend who I really like, and have started to wonder if we should start to date. A lot of people have asked if we are dating, or are in love. I’ve said ‘no, we’re not’ up until now. We’ve spent a lot of time together, and even more in the past few weeks.
I don’t quite know what to do, I’m not the type to be head-over-heels in love, (at least I haven’t been before), but as time goes by I like him more and more, and I think I’m falling in love. We are both Christians and very clear about our values when it comes to sex, marriage and relationships.
I’ve actually been thinking that I wouldn’t get married or get involved with someone romantically till I am almost thirty, but I can imagine us getting together sooner than that now (we’re not even twenty yet).
I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone I wouldn’t want to marry (why plan to break up before you get together?), but I could imagine marrying my friend. This idea scares me to death, plus the idea that we may start to date and how people around us would view it.
We’ve got lots of the same friends, and it seems that some of them think we should give it a go.
What do you think? Should I just go with the flow, or should I start a conversation about where we are going with this?
From a slightly confused and scared girl. :-)
Hi,
Our understanding is that you and your friend are in your late teens. The feelings you are experiencing towards your friend are quite common at your age. We can often make plans for how we think our ideal life should be, but then new people and events crop up, leading to our circumstances changing and we then end up with a situation that is quite different from what we had imagined. Life is fluid, and we also have to be flexible. So there is no blueprint for us to use, instead, we have a path to follow continually, with its ups and downs. Life is unpredictable, and this makes it exciting, but this also makes it difficult for us, and we have to make important choices in situations which can be emotionally demanding.
We don’t think it’s strange that you have new, positive feelings for a close friend. If you know each other well, and still think that you like each other, then this could be a good place to start to grow together as a couple. If, after some time you know each other’s strengths and weaknesses, but still feel in love, then it might be the start of something very good. However, there’s no guarantee that this is what you want, or that it will develop like this.
The reason you feel scared and confused is probably due to you being surprised by your own emotions. That’s the nature of feelings, they can take you unaware and add new dimensions to life. Our advice to you is to spend plenty of time getting to know each other better, and to talk about what you feel for each other. If we understand your situation correctly, you have both thought about the idea of becoming romantically involved. Spend as much time as you need to get to know each other better, and then if it’s right let it develop into dating. Of course, both of you need to know that you have a mutual desire to develop the relationship.
Having the same foundation in terms of values and view of sexuality is a great strength. Both of you are Christians, and we assume that your values are based on the guidelines the Bible gives us for marriage.
We also want to underline that it’s fantastic that you want to date someone you think is a possible future husband. By doing this you will probably avoid some tough thought processes, but of course you can never know for sure how a relationship will work out. Sometimes the outcome is not what you had anticipated. This is always a danger in all relationships, as people are different and independent, and others can surprise us with their decisions. Let’s not forget that we can do the same ourselves. Spend a lot of time talking openly and honestly about the consequences of moving from a friendship to a romantic relationship, and about how to remain good friends, regardless of what you decide to do.
In the light of your concern for what others think, we would encourage you not to pay too much heed to what your other friends say, or to what hopes they have for the relationship between you and this guy. The decision about a relationship that may lead to a lifelong marriage can’t be made on the basis of what others think about you – that basis would be too unstable. Remember, in a relationship you will live together, sharing good and bad times, for the rest of your lives. People have to take responsibility for the decision they made when they decided to get married, their friends can’t take that responsibility. If you spend enough time, and are open and honest with each other, treating each other with mutual respect, then perhaps this can develop into something great, who knows? We advise you both to get to know how you behave and react in lots of different situations. We wish you all the best, and God’s blessing on your future!
Best wishes
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