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I only fall in love with non-Christians, what should I do?
Hi! I like your website!
I’m a single guy, 21 years old. I really love God and want to follow Him with all my heart. In my social circles (Christian) there are lots of girls with a heart for God, they have good moral standards and have everything I am looking for in a wife. Nevertheless, in the past few years I’ve only fallen in love with non-Christian girls, who I wouldn’t dream of dating.
What do you think about the role of feelings and falling in love when it comes to dating and relationships? In particular I’m thinking about the Biblical perspective, and also from life experience. Should I keep waiting until I fall in love with a woman who is an active Christian? Is it possible to date a woman I haven’t fallen in love with, but who has almost everything I’m looking for in a wife?
Looking forward to your answer!
Hi!
Thanks for an interesting question! The Bible doesn’t really give a clear answer about how to relate to falling in love. Christians in different circles and cultures (and also in different times in history) would answer your question from different perspectives, but here’s our answer.
You’ve probably already heard that love is a choice, and of the importance of relationships being based on something greater than feelings, as this is preached in many Christian circles. However, this is often emphasised in the context of marriage teaching, as in a marriage it is important to choose love even in the most difficult times, when the feelings have almost disappeared. This doesn’t mean that falling in love is unimportant when you are going to choose a partner! We worship a God who has filled His Word with lots of feelings! Just read Song of Songs, or Jacob and Rachel’s love story.
Most people would agree that a relationship and a marriage should be much more than an emotional relationship. However, a relationship simply based on common sense, and lacking romantic feelings, sounds very sterile to us. We think that your wife-to-be deserves you to be highly attracted to her, particularly at the start of the relationship. Romantic feelings will come and go both during dating and in marriage. Love will grow, but it needs a seed to sprout from.
Having said this, we don’t recommend that you throw reason to the wind when you look for a girlfriend! Character, integrity, communication skills and a living, active relationship with Jesus are invaluable foundations to have in a relationship. You are 21, so there’s no need to rush. You can keep waiting, until you fall in love with a girl who is an active Christian. It is important that you choose with your head andyour heart, as you will share the rest of your life with her.
A good place to start would be to think about what makes you like a girl. What makes the difference between you liking her or not? What qualities do you particularly appreciate? Is it her appearance, her face, eyes or body, or is it her charisma, personality or behaviour? Is it her faith, values and attitudes? Which of these characteristics are most important in the long run? You write that there are lots of Christian women who have almost everything you look for in a wife, but what do they lack that the others have?
You can influence your feelings to a certain extent by the way you think and act towards someone. Not all relationships start with falling in love, some start off as good friendships and as time goes by they develop into love. Love can often develop through close friendships. You can always start off by initiating a friendship if you find a woman with the qualities you’re looking for and who you would like to fall in love with. Appreciate her good qualities, and get to know her well. When you open up to someone, and they open up to you, you become much closer. This can develop into a closeness and intimacy that leads to you falling in love. You can also decide to give her compliments, as that will force you to notice and mention things that you like about her. Focusing on her good qualities – her appearance, behaviour and personality – will affect your feelings. Flirt with her, smile and keep eye contact. By doing this you build trust and intimacy between you; this is also a way to create emotional attachment and romantic feelings. But remember that it’s important that you are serious about this and don’t just play with someone else’s feelings. When you find the woman you want to be your wife, then you can strengthen both her and your feelings.
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