Hi I'm a Christian girl of 13. For a long time now I've struggled with looking at sex and that kind of thing. Sometimes I manage to keep away from it for a while but I only start again later on. I know it isn't right and I'm ashamed of myself and of it but I don't know what to do. I even looked at sex when I was quite small! I've told my parents about it several times and they've tried to help me, but it just doesn't work. I only start again. I've actually managed to stop looking at sex and see Korean love series instead on YouTube. It's kind of like a love film in a way, but what I'm wondering is the love films are really not wrong to look at. For example "Pride and Prejudice". Parents have seen it and they're both Christians. I've also seen it together with my mum. And so when I look at Korean love series isn't it really like seeing "Pride and Prejudice"? Or isn't that the same thing? I feel very unsure. Like when I'm looking at the series I enjoy watching them kiss. I guess that makes it wrong to watch. Is it?
Another problem is that I masturbate! It's not so long since I started, and I know it isn't right at all. The worst thing is that it feels good and I can't stop. How can I manage to?!
Thanks for the question you sent us. It's great that you got in contact with us and we'll try to give you some good advice. We realise it is difficult for you and that you'd really like to be free, and that makes a good starting point about and makes it absolutely possible to achieve.
You say you're ashamed about it and you know that it's wrong. Then I want to give you some words about the Lord and what He thinks of you: He created and planned you to be a daughter whom He loves and longs to give His love and grace to. God knows we are human, and how we think and do lots of things that are not His will for us. But God is greater than our sins, and by bringing them to the cross (pray to God alone or together with other people), we can very simply tell God about what we are struggling with. God then pours out His forgiveness over us. God is not a stern Judge, but a loving Father who just wants the best for His children. He sent Jesus to the Earth while we still were sinners, and showed how much He loves us. So God forgives completely, over and over again! So as far as He is concerned, you are completely and totally accepted, forgiven and loved. Always have that in mind. God created sex as something beautiful and wonderful for people to experience in a mutual and safe loving relationship. So marriage is the framework God sets sex in.
When we reach puberty sex grabs our attention because we are created as sexual beings. As you yourself say, becoming dependent on looking at sex is not a good thing. It will dominate our thoughts far too much, and in some cases disturb your concentration. But above all, it will give us an unrealistic idea of what sex is all about. There are strong forces in pornography, and they chain down those who grow addicted to it. Often there is a desire lurking there, a lusting making you "want to have", and this ends up tearing relationships apart. So we think it's fantastic that you are picky about what you look at on screen, or listen to.
You tell us that you watch Korean series with romance and kissing, and ask if this is okay.
We don't want to give you some hard-and-fast rule, but would just advise you to take a break for a while from films like that. It's perfectly natural for them to awaken sexual desires and longings when we see those intimate and romantic scenes. On the other hand these films and series often end in sexual relations outside marriage or possibly even in unfaithfulness. It's too easy to sympathise with the people we look at, and to identify with their actions. Then this can have a negative influence on our thoughts and fantasies. When you have a border or limit you don't want to cross, it's smart to stay away from it, not do a dance on the cliff-edge. Paul writes in 1. Corinthians 6:12 " “Everything is permissible for me,” but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me,” but I will not be mastered by anything."
Read also: What makes something pornography?
We advise you to talk to other grown-ups about this, possibly a youth leader in the church or someone else you can trust. It's great you're open with your parents too, so talk to them again and help them understand how difficult it is for you. Maybe you could make a deal with them and allow them to veto which web-pages you have access to? Lots and lots of people struggle with exactly what you're describing and having somebody to talk to about it regularly is really important.
You also write about masturbating and how to stop? This often starts the way you look at sex itself. Thoughts and desires will pop up in our heads naturally, but it's the place we give them that makes the difference. Try to do something that gives you more positive input and grabs your interest, and hang around people you love. Here's wishing you all the best.
Read also: Is masturbating OK?
All the best BoyNGirl.no